Easter Vigil Congregation Screams for Freebird
Holy Angels’ Easter Vigil Mass took on shadings of a 1970s stadium rock concert as parishioners refused to exit at the end the service and instead called for the choir to play Freebird. Hundreds of parishioners die-hard enough in their faith to sit through the 4-hour vigil mass, acted spontaneously as a group in calling for the beloved rock anthem.
Many in the pews held candles issued before the liturgy began. A large number of people held up the lit candles and chanted “Freebird!” according to Deacon Sandy White who witnessed the event.
Freebird, written and first recorded by the 1970s rock band Lynard Skynard, has become a shibboleth for concert-goers in the years since, many of whom ironically call out for it at rock concerts.
The congregation was feeling anything but ironic after the Vigil mass according to those in attendance. “The Holy Spirit was moving the people to cry out for FREEBIRD” said Veronica Henderson.
Choir director Wes Stodden said neither his vocalists nor his guitarists and drummers knew Freebird well enough to perform it, and the Holy Spirit did not seem to work the chords and lyrics through them.
As a result, the congregation exited the church frustrated until they got to the parish hall and saw all the food and drink prepared for the new converts.
Vatican II unpopular, but implementation of Vatican II gets high approval!
A nationwide survey shows that the implementation of Vatican II is much more popular than the actual Council itself.
Catholics in all age groups in all parts of the United States say they don’t much like Vatican II but they love the implementation of Vatican II, according to polling done by Dayton University’s Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate.
Vatican II, a series of meetings in Rome from 1962 to 1965 resulted in creation of 16 documents, most of which are rarely read by lay people. Heralded as a renaissance at the time, the council is now regarded with skepticism by conservative Catholics.
The skepticism has grown beyond just the self-styled Traditionalists to the church at large, according to the survey, which found most American Catholics take a dim view of the Council.
In contrast, however, most American Catholics give high marks to the implementation of the Council. The implementation is rated higher than the Council itself, with large majorities of Catholics across all demographic groups rating it “good” or “excellent”.
Vatican II naysayers have long complained about the disparity between the Council and its implementation.
“People don’t understand this, but there was nothing in the Vatican II documents about mass in the vernacular or turning the priest toward the people or hiding the tabernacle down the hall” said Paul Vincent, a well-known conservative blogger and critic of the USCCB. “And that’s to say nothing of extraordinary Ministers of the Holy Eucharist or female altar servers.” Yet the survey shows that these changes to the liturgy are among the most popular with American Catholics.
“I’d just as soon see them announce Vatican II was all a mistake” said Melanie Johnson of Covington, Kentucky. “But don’t take away my liturgy in English and guitars during the exit hymn.”
“I certainly don’t want start using communion rails and have the priest turn his back on us during the Mass,” said Mark Swanson of Denver. “I am against Vatican but we need to keep the Spirit of Vatican II.”
Most American Catholics were born after the council ended.
Boy Scouts Awesome; Girl Scouts in League With Satan
…say some conservative Catholics. Nobody seems to be able to explain why. The recipe for those devilishly delicious cookies may have come with a price….
National Singles Conference to be Televised Next Year
The National Catholic Singles Conference, operating since 2005, joins Reality Television as next year’s conference will be broadcast on ABC. Mike Fleiss, producer of the Bachelor franchise agreed with conference organizers to create a show inspired by “Bachelor in Paradise”. That popular show features attractive singles at a bungalow on Mexico’s Gulf coast. The new “Single Catholics in Purgatory” show has a similar premise. Each week 12 to 14 women and men will flirt with each other before the climactic Rosary Ceremony. Any single who does not receive a rosary goes home in a limousine and is encouraged to cry on camera.
Attendees at this year’s conference said they think the weekly culling of the contestant pool will focus everyone’s mind on marriage. “My main reason for marriage is to help my spouse get to heaven”, said Phil Williamson of Kansas City. “And did you see the bikini on that blond!”
Participants on the show will be between the ages of 24 and 35 and free to marry within the Church. Fleiss expects applicants from throughout the country. “We’re setting up a website where hopefuls can upload selfies and devotional prayers.”
Conference goer Mollie Henderson said the new show will give viewers “a healthier view of relationships” than other Bachelor franchises. “And will generate fewer STDs, I hope.”
Knights of Columbus Emerge from Obscurity
Mystified parishoners at St Augustine Church are confused by references to the Knights of Columbus in the bulletin. Are the Knights a para military organization? A para church group? An insurance company? No, says Grand Knight Jose Cruz, they’re a fraternal organization of guys who like to dress in funny outfits, much like Renaissance Fair participants.
Parishoner Robert Flannigan joined the Knights for the community and because he was liked the uniforms. “On the Flintstones, Fred and Barney were in the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes” he said. “The Knights are like that, only with more impressive hats”.
St Augustine mass-goers leaving the church are often approached by Knights looking to sell $10 bags of pecans or $15 bar-b-q plates. Raising money is part of the duty of a Knight, members say.
Knight Paul Graystone acknowledges the Girl Scouts are rivals for charitable dollars exchanged for food but he scoffs. “Sure those cookies are good, but what are a bunch of girls going to do with that money? A jamboree?” he asked. “The Knights are having a bash down at the Polynesian restaurant and the adult libations will be flowing all night”
Graystone also stressed the Knights’ insurance business as a ministry. “Whole life insurance policies are the best investment in uncertain times” he said, “no matter what that Suze Orman lady says.”
New Pastoral Council Members Unsure of Duties
St Mary’s Pastoral Council member Kevin Anderson, elected by parishioners three months ago, says he doesn’t know what the council does or why it exists. “I thought it would be like being on the town council of a small village.” Anderson said. “But paid staff run the parish and the pastor controls the money.” He added that although the council unanimously voted against repaving the parking lot, Father Andrew Jones overruled them and hired a contractor.
Fellow council member Elizabeth Witherspoon concurred she doesn’t know what the council does, but is excited about how good it looks on her resume. “I always look for leadership opportunities to impress my bosses ,” she said, adding that the council is on her LinkedIn profile. ’The most important Boss to impress is the big one in Heaven.”
Council member Randy Smitherton also said he didn’t understand the council, but added that the single ladies in the choir were impressed by his membership. “I try not to brag about it – I just slip in the conversation that we have a meeting every other Wednesday and Father looks forward to my input.”
Pastor Jones said the parishes’ status as a corporation sole means he can do anything he pleases under secular law and anything his bishop Oks under canon law. “Democracy, schemocracy” he said, in a fake Yiddish accent.
Orange Catholic Bible Adopted as Universal Scripture
The USCCB, the National Council of Churches, and Islamic Society of North America announced an ecumenical landmark as all major religions agreed to adopt the Orange Catholic Bible (OCB) as their scripture.
The OCB, familiar to science fiction fans from the 1965 novel Dune and its sequels, collects mankind’s wisdom in one volume.
Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, president of the USSCB thinks the change in liturgy will be welcomed by Catholics tired of old stuff. “The New American Bible has been around since 1970. People always complain that the Bible in Canada is better.” Canadian churches use the New Standard Revised Version. “We are skipping the NSRV and going straight to the future: the Orange Catholic Bible,” Kurtz said.
Boston College liturgist Barbara Foster said the OCB’s roots in Hindu showmanship, Buddhist contemplation, Protestant ethics, and Catholic creativity might spark a religious renaissance as society moves into an uncertain future. “The central commandment of the OCB is: Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a human mind.. But I ask, what’s that voice on my iPhone?”
Promoters of the OCB admit they have not read the book, just aphorisms and sayings from it. However, they stress, the same was true when Catholics were using the Douay Rheims Bible. The language in the OCB is cooler than that 16th and 17th Century stuff, they say.